Alrak's Levity
Virtual Breakroom | Why We Dress Up to Go to Work
Virtual Breakroom
Modern Art version of a timeless toy...
PowerPoint Run Amok
First, check out the slideshow: http://www.norvig.com/Gettysburg/, and then read the essay: http://www.norvig.com/lancet.html
12 Signs That You May Have Klingon Programmers...
- "Specifications are for the weak and timid!"
- "This machine is a piece of GAGH! I need dual Pentium processors if I am to do battle with this code!"
- "You cannot really appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the original Klingon."
- "Indentation?! I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull!"
- "What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software 'releases'. Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality assurance people in its wake."
- "Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' - they have 'arguments' - and they ALWAYS WIN THEM."
- "Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak."
- "I have challenged the entire quality assurance team to a Bat-Leth contest. They will not concern us again."
- "A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his code!"
- "By filing this bug report you have challenged the honour of my family. Prepare to die!"
- "You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand!"
- "Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! Ship it and let them flee like the dogs they are!"
Senior Moments
An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms: Honey, My love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and clearly they were still very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you can still call your wife those loving pet names."
The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said, "I forgot her name about 10 years ago."
Ionic Humor
Two hydrogen atoms are walking down a road.
One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
Pet Diaries
The Diary of a Dog
Day number 180
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 PM - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 PM - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
Day number 181
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 PM - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 PM - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
Day number 182
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 PM - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 PM - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
The Diary of a Cat
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.
DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant, pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was... Hmmm. Not working according to plan.
DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.
Chocolate
This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every man:
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate
DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRASAFE: Have some more chocolate.
A Short Quiz
The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and it will tell you whether you are qualified to be a professional. But the real trick is to stop laughing. Scroll down for each answer. The questions are NOT that difficult.
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Did you say, "Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?" (Wrong Answer)
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory. OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross but it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer: You swim across. All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many preschoolers got several correct answers.
Why We Dress Up to Go to Work
I started giving this little spiel back in 1988, and corporate culture has changed significantly since then, but there are still organizations that require employees to "dress up" for work, and if you ask them why, the answers would range from "that's the way we've always done it" to arguments similar to those in favor of school uniforms. Here's my take on it:
For probably forever1 clothing has been one of the determinants of socio-economic standing. In the Middle Ages and Early Modern times2 there were Sumptuary laws that stated what you could wear depending on your social class. Penalties for non-compliance ranged from fines to death. Fortunately for those of us who like to wear velvet, these laws died out as time went on. That didn't mean that the significance attached to "dress" went away, though. (Ask any young school-aged woman if her clothes matter...)
It can be hard for folks in modern times, particularly in the US, to understand the intricacies of a class-based system, or more plainly, to even fathom it. But, way back when (like after the fall of Rome), there was a concept called the Society of Orders. There were those who fought (the nobles), those who prayed (the clergy) and those who worked (the peasants/serfs). In a simple agrarian setting, this worked out great. Folks knew their place and apparently were happy and secure in that knowledge.3
Eventually, the barbarian tribes (guys who sacked Rome, etc.) calmed down and there wasn't as much need for all the fighting. Sure, there were wars all the time, but they were more formal affairs.4 At any rate, cities started to spring up, and trade happened and with all that a need for bureaucracy. There were still the three orders (called "Estates" in France), but occasionally a not-really-a-noble/not-really-a-peasant would get elevated to the nobility by a decree from the monarch, probably as a reward for service or money or both.
Of course the original nobles - "Noblesse de l'epee", those who claimed their titles and positions by virtue of battle/the sword - were not pleased about these new upstart nobles, but there wasn't much they could do other than derisively refer to the newcomers as "Noblesse de robe". Back then, nobility carried legal connotations as well as social. They didn't pay taxes, for one. Oh, and they also ran the country. Just the monarch and them.
More time went on and more cities and more trade and pretty soon some of the peasants moved to the cities and became quite wealthy. This would be when the sumptuary laws started creeping in - if Mr. Peasant5 were dressed like Mr. Aristocrat (because he could afford to - in fact, Mr. Peasant was probably more wealthy than Mr. Aristocrat), then someone might get confused and actually treat Mr. Peasant with respect. Can't have that. More time went on and around the end of the 18th century there were a lot of wealthy Mr. Peasants (they were doctors and lawyers and bankers now) and they were none too pleased that no one would let them help run the government.
Then we had the French Revolution.
"OK, well, we'll let some of you better Mr. Peasants help run the government now. But that doesn't mean that we think you're our equals - you WORK - we live off the income/rent from our land - we don't dirty our hands with WORK"
[Can you see where this is going?]
So, here we are in the 19th century and there was still this social thing. We now call the Mr. Peasants "the Middle Classes". And the nobility/upper classes still think that no matter how much money these middle class folks have, no matter what education, they still WORK with their hands for a living, and well, that's just distasteful and they can't possibly be equals.
So, the middle class folks had a bright idea. They knew that when they went to work they worked with their minds, not their hands. It wasn't like they were laboring or something. Why, they didn't even get dirty at work. Hmmm. What's a good way to show this? Ah, yes: wear your nicest clothes to work. You certainly wouldn't wear nice clothes if there were a chance of sullying them.
OK, maybe doctors and lawyers and bankers are okay to socialize with, after all...
Obviously I've vastly oversimplified history, but that's it, in a nutshell. We're still just trying to prove that we aren't peasants.
1My knowledge of social behaviors and conventions before recorded Western history is pretty thin, but I'm guessing that even back in the Stone Age garments from certain beasts carried more cachet than garments derived from others: "oh, my family killed a Rodeo Drive Saber Toothed Tiger to get this tunic - how unfortunate that your family could only bring down an Arkansas Mammoth..."
2See especially the links on the Elizabethan Sumptuary Statutes site
3I'm not saying this was a good thing; I'm not saying this was a bad thing.
4It started with St. Augustine's notion of "just war" in The City of God (410 AD). Eventually there were all sorts of rules about why, when and how to wage war. Check out this document called The Truce of God (1063 AD)
5Note that there is no "h" in this word ;-)
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